Ugh! I don't know what it is about this time of year that makes me feel like I'm losing my mind, but it's happening again. The stress of school, family, sports, church callings, work, etc. all ramping up at the same time really stresses me out.
I feel unorganized, like a horrible mother, like I have no control over my family and what is going on, like I'll never be able to come up with the endless funds necessary to take care of 5 kids, like I've let an entire summer go by without relaxing and taking time to smell the roses, things get crazier at work, the cars start to break down, a bill shows up that you didn't even know existed and they want payment NOW it just never seems to end!
My husband would tell you that I have a tendency to focus on these tedious items, on things that I have no control over. Which, I'll admit, I do. However, as a woman trying to keep it together, these are things that grind on my last nerve until I CAN do something about them. It's my job as a wife and mother to worry about the minor details (or at least I feel like it is).
Sept is when all of the 'schedules' come out. When other things/people start to dictate what you can and can't do. I watch as my planner pages go from virtually empty to spilling over with multiple activities/travels/responsibilities. This obviously is all part of life, but I can't help but get anxious.
I'm a routine based, organized person, so schedules are a good thing (in my opinion).
So why all the angst?
One possibility is this~I'm aware that a 'Nuclear' family often functions at this same stress level in the Fall but I can't help but feel like some of MY stress stems from the fact that as a blended family, you live in limbo. You can only make tentative plans/goals. Everything you do, is pursuant to what some other person will allow. Everything is 'penciled' in if you will.
I have high expectations for myself and my kids. When those expectations aren't met due to one thing or another, it bugs me. It's hard to know what expectations are realistic. What I can control and what I can't. When to stand your ground, and when to give up. The school year for us tends to be an emotional roller coaster. There is so much to be done, yet so much that we aren't able to be involved with~just watch from a distance and cross your fingers that all goes well.
I like to have all my ducks in a row come the new school year. When 4 of my 5 ducks live elsewhere, it's a struggle. I miss them and I know that even though I feel like a mom to them, I can't mother them the way I wish I could. It's hard to be the mother to one child one way, and 4 others another way. I'm learning, but above all the schedules, bills, car problems, etc. this is the one thing that causes me the most anguish and that I have the least amount of influence over.
Anyway~Here's to a new school year! Wish me luck!!
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